July 7th - On Being Used

I would LOVE your opinion on this, especially the Mormon boys.  HELP!


It’s been just over a month since I moved to Utah.  I really like it here so far.  Already, there’s been a lot of ups and downs, but it’s been wonderful here.  

I had been in contact with my ex-boyfriend when I first got here, but he’s done his marvelous disappearing act that he’s so good at, so I’ve done a good job at moving on.  I’m interested in a few different guys in my ward.  One, of course, more so than the others.  It’s so funny how they all have something different to bring to the table.  Some of them are goofy, some of them are funny, some of them I relate to really well, and some of them challenge my comfort zones (in a good way).  

My number one guy that I like, well… hold on.  Let’s start at the beginning.

One of the first guys I met in the ward was the ward clerk, who we’ll refer to as Scott.  So, Scott made an impression on me at first as a fella who looks amazingly adorable in a suit and had the sweetest, nicest handshake, and just had a really kind face.  He’s the ward clerk.  So, to make a long story short, I reached out to Scott to get to know him better.  There was even one day I texted him and told him that I was throwing up at work and he came and picked me up and brought me anti-nausea medicine and ginger ale, and brought me to get some soup.  It was really sweet.

My reservation with Scott is… he reminds me of my ex in certain ways.  In some good ways, but it’s the bad ways that he reminds me of him that bother me.  I hung out with him all night one night, and he was on pain killers because he had a really, really bad sore throat.  So, his inhibitions were down and he was just asking me inappropriate questions and telling me inappropriate things.  I was lying on a big bean bag and he eventually moseyed on over and I didn’t like how he kind of crawled over me and stopped for a moment, hovering over me, looking like he was going to kiss me.  I wasn’t sure how to feel about the way he looked at me, with that look that boys get in their eyes.  I cuddled with him a bit and that was it.  I get along with his sense of humor and his laid back attitude.  

So, then there’s this guy who we’ll call Ryan.  Ryan has a motorcycle.  I didn’t reach out to Ryan, Ryan reached out to me.  A bunch of people in my ward were going to a bonfire and we all meet up to carpool.  Ryan asked me if I wanted to ride on his motorcycle, and I was reluctant at first.  I had never been on a motorcycle.  A little background on Ryan, he’s the Elder’s Quorum President.  He lifts weights - seriously, it’s like a hobby for him.  He’s got these big strong arms and muscles and he’s just like, this awesome manly man.  So, I went on his motorcycle, and it was honestly one of the most fun experiences I’ve ever had.  I loved it!  Ryan hung out around me a fair amount at the bonfire.  We talked a fair amount and rode back on the motorcycle.  

To make a long story short, we’ll fast forward to the fourth of July.  I didn’t have anything planned, so I texted and Facebook messaged a bunch of people asking if anyone was doing anything.  Ryan responded saying that, “Sure, we’ll go find a nice place to watch the fireworks.”  I ended up going to his house for a barbecue later that day and played basketball with him later that night.  A bunch of people and us (me with Ryan on his motorcycle) went up to his friend’s house, and we played with the most adorable kids.  There was a little girl who, for some reason, became really attached to me and we had a lot of fun playing together.  It almost seemed like Ryan made sure to wedge himself to sit next to me.  There were a few times during the night that he seemed distant as he looked out over the valley at all of the different fireworks lighting up the dark, as if he were looking at a memory that was a million miles away.  We rode home and he invited me to his apartment to watch a movie, and I said yes.

This might be a good time to mention that Ryan and Scott are roommates.  


I thought, and apparently Ryan also thought, that Scott was out of town for the night with his family.  Well, turned out that wasn’t the case.  We started watching a movie, Emperor’s New Grove (I know, how Mormon of us).  And as we began watching it, we started talking.  I apologized for talking over the movie, but Ryan said he’d rather talk than watch the movie anyway.  So, as we’re talking, Scott walks in with another girl.

Ooooooooh, snap.

Scott seemed pretty surprised to see me there.  Scott and the other girl sit down and talk with us for a bit, and the other girl leaves.  Ryan, meanwhile, lays down on the couch and puts his head in my lap.  At first, I lift my arms and hands up.  I don’t really know what I should do.  ”Are you comfortable with that?” he asks about him laying down.  I say, “Yeah, I’m fine.”  Meanwhile, Scott is texting me while he’s in the room with us, “So, you’ve got a crush on my roommate or something?” and “You know, that girl and I aren’t dating, we did for a while, but we’re just good friends now.”  I didn’t read these texts until later.  It was really sweet though.  Ryan cuddled up closer in my lap, and I just took this as a go ahead and I started rubbing and scratching his back.  

So, Ryan is sleeping in my lap and I start dozing off because it’s late.  Scott notices this, puts in a new movie for Ryan and I to watch as we fall asleep and gently puts a pillow under my head.  I wake up from my sitting-up, sleeping position and smile at him.  He smiles back at me, unsurely.

Scott ended up going to bed, and only after he went to bed was when I finally saw his text messages.  Ryan woke up after a while and invited me to snuggle up next to him, always asking, “Are you comfortable with that?”  I love and admire that so much.  As his arm was around me and I was firmly nestled on his chest, we had a great conversation about relationships and the gospel.  He ended up laying back down on the couch, I asked him if it was okay if I laid down next to him and he said, “Yeah, as long as you’re comfortable with it.”  I started to fall asleep and I ended up turning around and nuzzled myself into his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.  I just felt completely safe and enveloped by him and it was a wonderful feeling.  We fell asleep like that with our legs intertwined.  I simply describe it to myself as hardcore cuddling.  We didn’t kiss.  We didn’t do anything inappropriate at all.  When his alarm went off at 5am, he kit the snooze button three times and each time he would pull me in and cuddle me closer and wrap me up tighter.

He didn’t want to get off of the couch and I didn’t either, but I tried to be a good influence and encouraged him to get up and get to his service project.  He hugged me and we went separate ways.

He ended up Facebook messaging me much of the next day, asking me things like, “What are you doing tonight?”.  It made me excited that he wanted to see me.  I ended up going over his apartment and we played some games and I felt like Ryan wanted to hang out with just me (though I could have been imagining it, I suppose), but there was one guy who was just sticking around for a long time.  Ryan ended up getting a phone call for one of his friends a bit of a ways away for a blessing, so he had to leave right away, which I totally respect.  Outside of his front door, he apologized for ‘the sudden dispersement,’ and gave me a hug and told me to stay dry (we had crazy weather that day in Utah).  

I went home and had a little pity party for myself.  I just felt kind of used for my cuddles.  My last relationship was all about my ex using me (in a much different way, of course, but still) and the thought of being used again, by Ryan, completely devastated me.  I know he just got out of a long term relationship.  Perhaps he just felt lonely that night and needed a cuddle buddy.  In honesty, that’s fine, but he should have communicated that with me before hand.  I know he’s moving far away in a month, but that’s not a deal breaker for me either.  I have family close by to where he’s moving and, this is of course assuming he’s interested in me, I’d totally be willing to try a long distance thing.

I’m just trying to pray about it right now, but, gosh, I really like Ryan guys.

I would love opinions and input.



This is a post about Hugs

Hugs are amazing.

I suppose I should correct that statement to: Hugs from certain people are amazing.

I have a bubble.  I don’t let a lot of people into my bubble, but sometimes, I’ll let a few people in.

I’ve always been a stand-offish person when it comes to physical contact.  I don’t particularly like to be touched. 

Some people though just have such a warm presence, such a sincere heart that radiates from them.  I can’t help but let down these guards.

Today, I got the best kind of hug.  The best hug in eight months.

What kind of hug?

The kind that implies the possibility of something more.  The kind that kindles my hope again.

The kind of hug that makes me feel wanted.  Beautiful.  Like I’m more than just a sack of bones going around, talking to people, making useless connections and acquaintances.  

The kind of hug that reminds me that there is something else lying dormant in my heart.

The kind of hug that shows me that not all pursuits will be unfruitful.

He hugged me, and he picked me up as he hugged me.  I giggled quietly, just loud enough for him to hear me I think.  

His hugs are always the best… but now, even still, they’re even better.



Any LDS boys out there …

Please message me …

I need boy advice …

Oh please please please …

I’ll be forever grateful!

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